ZOO's relationship guru John Aiken is here to make your relationships something you can easily handle....
This week's question
I’ve been in a relationship for 6 months now. My girlfriend has a problem trusting me and believing me in everything I do. She won’t let me have a boy’s night or go to the pub on my own. So I went out with another girl last week to see how other women treat me, and this other girl is great. I’m not sure what to do now as I like both of them and one treats me like dirt and the other treats me like a king.
What should I do?
Blair.
John says:
Relationships will all get to a point where you need to decide if you’re in or out. In some relationships it’s easy to decide. If there are any deal breakers with your partner then it’s over. These might include smoking, being into drugs, having no job or sleeping with your best friend! But sometimes it’s harder to tell when you need to get out of a relationship that’s okay but not great.
The reason it can be so difficult is because you’ve invested time into this relationship and you may have developed feelings for them. As well, when you go out with a person for a while you form ties that can cloud your judgment. Maybe they’re amazing in the sack, they’ve got a great group of friends, or they’re loaded with cash. Perhaps you get along really well with their parents, they’re well connected and get you into all the right parties or they’re happy to put you on a pedestal. Whatever the case, you’re not sure if you should end it and then possibly regret it in the long run.
Well here are 5 tell-tale signs that it’s over and it’s time to pull the pin:
1) You cheat on them
It’s a bad sign if you’re in a relationship and you’re actively trying to date other people! It’s even worse if you’ve already started to sleep with other people! Don’t kid yourself. You shouldn’t be joining online dating sites, explicitly flirting with strangers at bars, taking the phone numbers of potential love interests, going out on secret dates or sleeping around. You’re in an exclusive commitment with someone else! If you think you still need to do this, then it’s a sign that it’s time to move on.
2) You’re not in love
How you feel about your partner is a key indicator of the strength of your relationship. If you can’t answer the simple question “Are you in love with them?” with a clear “yes” then you need to be worried. Particularly after only 6 months when you should be in the honeymoon phase and can’t get enough of them. Check in with your feelings. If there’s nothing there then get out.
3) You don’t want to spend time with them
One of the cornerstones of a strong relationship is that you spend lots of quality time together. If you’re constantly dreading the idea of having to be with your partner for the week-end or contacting them throughout the day then you’ve got a problem. If you would prefer to catch-up with your mates, spend time in groups rather than just the two of you, and rush home rather than stay over, then maybe this person isn’t for you.
If you’re not able to follow through with your daily promises then your relationship is in trouble. Basically this means you don’t walk the walk. You don’t ring them back, text them, run on time, or return their emails. You forget special occasions and events, you don’t cook or clean, and you work late rather than going out on a date with them. Essentially, you consistently let them down and make them feel like they’re not a priority in your life. If you’re guilty of this, it’s time to get honest with yourself and move on.
5) You put them down
The way in which you talk to your partner is going to tell you a lot about the future of the relationship. If you have a tendency to put them down and criticize them, dismiss their comments and constantly tell them they’re not good enough then it’s a problem. If you’re guilty of tearing down your partner in front of others, being sarcastic, yelling at them and treating them like an inferior then you may as well spare them the pain and break it off now. It’s demoralising and soul destroying for them to hear your cruel comments, and you’re better off finding someone who you can celebrate rather than crucify.
Over to you. When do you think it’s time to call it quits?
For more advice and free relationship tips go to www.johnaikenadvice.com
To get free chapters of his best-selling book Accidentally Single go to www.accidentallysingle.com
Remember
Email us your dating and relationship questions and let John help you out: zooweekly@ninemsn.com.au
More sweet stuff: