The Aussie stand-up discusses jumper pants, shock jocks, superstitions, smack addiction and murdering soap starlets...

G’day, Fleety! Explain to us what the hell “jumper-pants” are?
My God, man! They’re the greatest, most comfortable thing ever! You get up on a cold morning, freezing your arse off, and your jeans are on the floor covered in ice, and you see a nice woolly jumper instead, and you go, “F**k yes, I’m wearing that as pants!” So you put your legs through the arm holes and just pull it up, slap a belt on, and — hey presto! — you get around like that all day!

Nice concept, but isn’t there a draft?
Maybe a bit, but the neck hole is perfect for the lazy man because you can do a piss or shit without taking them off!

But will the fashionistas approve?
Hell yeah! My mate went out one night in jumper-pants, and he looked like a model. People were coming up, saying, “Oh, cool. Is that the latest Euro style?”

Tell us about your new TV show.
It’s called Die On Your Feet, and it’s about five comics. It’s a dramedy — funny but also serious. Like, there’s a suicide — which comedians tend to do every couple of years. I’m not sure why. Actually, I do know why... 

We hear they’re also making a movie about your infamous stand-up show, Thai Die — based on the true story of how you were kidnapped in Thailand and fleeced for $4000, before you escaped into Burma, hid in the jungle with the rebel army and wound up being shelled by the Burmese junta.
Yeah, but I’m now three times too old to star in it. Matt Newton was going to, but now he’s too old… amongst other things. Trouble is, I don’t know any Thai actors, and it’s not like you can do what they used to do in Hollywood: [assumes Yank accent] ”Hey, just get Asians — they’re Thai!”. So I watched this Nicolas Cage movie the other day called Bangkok Dangerous, and it had a few good ones.

You may be the only Westerner to have actually seen that movie. Perhaps you could review it for us?
Ha ha! I’d love to. I watch so, so many movies! Hotel rooms, on planes — I’m the king of the DVD. I’m obsessive! Let me write some reviews for ZOO, for sure!


Done. Do you reckon Australia will ever forgive you for running over Daphne in Neighbours?
No. And nor should they. Around the time Neighbours was still really big, I travelled to the UK, and this aggro guy came up to me on the street and said, [puts on a thick Scottish brogue], “Whatcha do it fer?” And I’m like, “Huh?” “Whatcha kell her fer, ya boostard?” He was totally about to punch me — all ’cos I killed Daphne. I had to explain to him about acting and make-believe.

Given all these shitty soap starlets are now cropping up in Hollywood, do you think you could have been more proactive and killed more?
Shit yeah. I made myself available. I said, “I’m ready to kill whoever!” If you’re going to be in a show that shit, you should at least take out one of the main characters. They didn’t take me up on it. But my very first role was in this really bad TV pilot, and the girl who played my girlfriend was Nicole Kidman. The reviews were shit, but they said, “Two fine actors to watch out for are Greg Fleet and Nicole Kidman.” And since then, weirdly, our careers have paralleled.

Impressive. We never knew you were two degrees from Tom Cruise, Fleety.
I know. I should add, one day, I also once saw Nicole naked in a caravan. ZOO readers would like to know that, I think.

Shudder. When you did your 2DayFM stint, you left your wife behind to work interstate with an ex-lover, Wendy Harmer. How did that work?
Well, that was a one-off. Neither Harmer nor I would’ve ever wanted to revisit that experience — I think we both thought we were slumming at the time. Actually, I once did a TV debate  with her — the subject was “Sport Is Better Than Sex” — and Wendy was on the other panel for the affirmative. So I got up in rebuttal, and said, “Wendy, if sport really was better than sex, then surely that night we went back to your place we would’ve played hockey or something?” From the look on her face, straight away the audience knew it was true, ha ha!

Would you be more successful in radio if you reinvented yourself as an ultra right-wing shock jock who decried climate change as a myth?
Probably. Great idea. Me on morning radio: “Who are the worst drivers: old people, drunks or Asians? Or old, drunk Asians? We’re taking your calls now…”

Your American dad didn’t just abandon you — he pretended to be dead and then got a new life. Heavy.
Yeah, but when you’re a kid, it’s not like you have another picture-perfect life to compare it to. Plus, later on, I got to make money of it by telling the story in my stand-up show I Wish You Were Dead.

We hear he’s not even a charismatic conman-type — more of a gun-toting, God-fearing Republican, right?
Yeah, I imagined him as this Dennis Hopper-like guy, but it turns out he’s a right-wing, redneck wanker. He heard about the show, and sent me this email, saying, “Greg, you have some issues.” I’m like, “Huh, it’s not like I made this all up  — you gave me the material... Dad!”

You initiated the comics’ choice award, the Piece Of Wood, but you’ve never won. Must sting?
A little. But then, if you started it, you can’t really win it. I’m actually proud I started that — a lot of comics take it really seriously. If they win the Piece Of Wood, it’s more of an honour than traditional awards.

So you struggle to get wood?
No. I get wood so often, I give it away! For free! I’ve done it with a lady for free before, y’know? No cash. None!

How generous. We hear you dig playing PlayStation?
That’s all comics do — play games and smoke pot all day! Every now and then I have to give my PS3 away ’cos I wind up doing f**k-all. I’ve gone through five.

Is it true you have these bizarre, OCD-type rituals?
Yeah. Every cigarette I’ve had since I was 12, I do these three quick last drags where I wish for things. I also do this twitchy breathing thing, and I have to count in threes, sixes and nines
a lot. It’s not as bad as it used to be. Not like when I used to take so many drugs.

Is heroin one of things where you can say, “Don’t knock it ’til you try it”?
Ha ha! Umm, nah… probably not. It’s a bit hard to justify heroin. It’s not like, “Have a crack, mate. Have a go...” It’s not very constructive. Most comedians who’ve been around as long as me own houses — I don’t own anything! And the reason is 20 years spending $200 a day on heroin.

Are you clean now?
I am. But I have to stay vigilant. I’ve done it before: things are going well and I get cocky — “Hey, I’ve got a TV show and a book coming out, so I can probably do all this and take heroin!” And as soon as I do, it turns to shit.

Ever had to borrow money off a mate when you’re clean?
Yes, they won’t. I can’t blame them. They think they’re doing me a favour. But I do have mates come up and say, “Fleety, you still owe me $80!” And I’ll go, “I’m so sorry...” and go to get it out of my wallet, and they’ll laugh, “Nah, you don’t. Just wanted to see if you’d give it to me.” Bastards!

What’s a low thing you’ve done?
Steal from friends. See, I was too much of a coward to go rob a servo or a bank, so instead I abused the people who loved and trusted me. That’s the worst. Plus... rape and murder. Prison rape. Yeah, I don’t like talking about that guy I raped in jail. Wait, hang on...  I’ve never been to jail… Oh, that’s right, I broke into the jail and raped him.

Right, so it was break and enter?
Hey, hey, hey… we could be a double act.

As long as we’re top and you’re the bottom. If you had to choose between Aliens’ Ripley, Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Lara Croft, which is your favourite type of heroine?
Ha ha! Put it this way, I’d smoke Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but I’d inject Lara Croft.

You’ve said you struggled with the 12-step program because it relies so much on the God-factor — so what is an intelligent atheist meant to do if they’ve got a bad drug habit?
Well, no, my problem was more that I didn’t want to give up everything — just heroin. I still enjoy a drink or a glass of wine. But it doesn’t have to be a Christian construct — one guy I knew used a cow in his paddock as his higher power. Mine is Lara Croft.

You open gigs with lines like, “You know when you kill a prostitute, right?” Should we be, er, worried?
Nah, I don’t think you, personally, should be worried… unless you’re getting paid to have sex with men, ha ha!

What’s pissing you off right now?
The usual. Tony Abbott. People forget what a f**kwit he is. We get bored, so we start thinking, “Oh, he’s cool...” He’s not cool. He’s a f**king tool and a practising Catholic. He doesn’t believe in climate change but he does believe in a vengeful god in the sky with a beard that’ll smite you down for f**king another man? I’m sorry, but I don’t have a lotta time for that. What a dick!

Anything weird happen to you recently?
I was doing a gig with the comedienne Anne Edmonds, and this woman came up, and said, “Hey, that was great. Although, I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t find it funny at the time….” This was literally five minutes after Anne stepped off-stage. And then she goes, “Are you guys from Melbourne, do you know Mick Martin?” And we’re like, “Umm, no.” And she’s like, “Yeah, we haven’t heard from him in five years. I think he might be dead.” And then she walked off. Fuck people are weird!

For news on Fleety's stand-up, see www.twitter.com/thegregfleet

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