G’day, Mick. Why won’t you dress up as a court jester for us? Don’t you find the medieval tunic ’n’ hose-look that flattering?
Nah, I’m more a fan of the pantaloon. Jodhpurs are good, too. I’ve even done a photo shoot in lederhosen.

Who would’ve thought The Jesters would make it to a second season?
Who would’ve thought anything I’m in would make it to a second series. The last TV show I was in, The Nation, the day after we went to air, James Packer sold all his shares in the network — I took that as a ringing endorsement.

Do you identify strongly with your character, a clapped-out TV exec?
Yes, there’s a very fine line between Dave Davies and Mick Molloy — they’re both showbiz arseholes whose best days are behind them.

Are you familiar with the French literary novel titled Molloy?
Yes, by Samuel Beckett. He’s one of my favourite writers — an Irishman writing in French translated into English. Which sounds like the start of a joke, really. I’d like to get a talking-book version of that — not sure what language it’d be in.

The titular anti-hero is described as “a seasoned veteran in vagrancy who relishes filth”. We see a connection...
Ha ha! Yes, I’ve been preparing for this role all my life. Maybe it was prophetic. But hang on a sec… this is ZOO, right? And we’re discussing French literature? Did I miss a meeting?

In an extended 40-page treatise, the Molloy character waxes lyrical on the therapeutic benefits of sucking pebbles. Have you ever mouthed gravel, Mick? Or, say, eaten dirt?
Ha ha! Er, no. Never. I like to keep it clean. I go for a nice polished pebble mix. Or there’s another type I like… what’s it called? Ah, that’s right: manure! There you go — that’s a French word for you. 

Feel a stab of hurt when you stumble upon a copy of Crackerjack in a garage sale or bargain bin?
I do. One of the worst things that’s ever happened to me is a good friend of mine came back from Bali with a bootleg. I’m like, “Thanks mate, why don’t you just take the money straight out of my pocket?”

Fond memories of that flick?
It’s funny — it’s one of the few things I’ve done to get good reviews. But they didn’t review me very well. One guy wrote, “Molloy looks like he just crawled out of a dumpster.” Another newspaper said, “Molloy ambles about the screen like a middle-aged alcoholic.” But my favourite was, “If the camera adds ten pounds, in Molloy’s case, it’s mainly around the chin.”

Feel sorry for the bagging Ben Elton got over Live From Planet Earth?
Sure do. I’ve been there — I’ve walked in those concrete shoes, mate. It’s awful.

You’re back on radio — how are you handling the early mornings again?
It’s very hard to be funny early in the morning, but so far, it’s going okay. I have turned up in my pyjamas a couple of times... but that’s more for the ladies.

Looking at someone like John Laws, are you saddened, knowing it can only end one way: a silver toupee, right-wing rants and mild senility?
It’s great knowing it’s all ahead of me. I’m a fan of his hair. Did you know they don’t even need to put an aerial on the radio station? John Laws’ hair actually conducts and sends out the microwave signals nationally. He’s a great asset. I want to look that good when I’m 202.

Does your co-host on Triple M’s The Hot Breakfast, Mieke Buchan, still look that hot at 5.30 in the morning?
It’s a showdown. She spends more time prettying herself than me, and has large breasts and blonde hair, which I don’t. Actually, I do have large breasts, but no blonde hair. That’s where we differ. 

Given ZOO’s reputation for reducing all women to mere sex objects…

Given ZOO’s reputation for reducing all women to mere sex objects… Congratulations on that, by the way, I’m a huge fan.

… and your own well-documented history of defamatory and homophobic comments…
Correct!

… do you ever foresee a time when you and ZOO will collaborate?
I think we’d work together well, yes. I’d love to edit one edition of ZOO — it’d be a copy that has to be wrapped in plastic. But can I just say, that whole thing with the Vancouver ice-skating comments was such a beat-up! There’s not one homophobic bone in my body — and if you don’t believe me, ask my boyfriend.

You and Eddie McGuire got in strife over that, but really, he once tried to “bone” someone… Surely that’s a lot gayer than male ice-skating?
It’s a “no comment” from me. I work with Eddie, so if I answer that, it could be quite frosty in the studio. We get on great.

Ever worried that, early one morning when no-one’s in the studio, Eddie might try to “bone” you, Mick?
I look forward to the day.

Ever said to him, “Lock it in, Eddie”?
Yes, while he was trying to bone me.

You’ve dabbled in some Shakespeare stuff. Any plans to do so again? And do you own a T-shirt that says “Bard-Arse”?
Yeah, I can see myself being the definitive Hamlet one day. 

Why have McDonald’s never ever sponsored a production of Macbeth?
Good question. They could get really obese people to act in it — the entire cast of The Biggest Loser. Know what? I’m gonna get a grant from the Arts Council and see if I can put that thing together — would ZOO sponsor it?

On the condition we get prominent logo placement. Has being funny ever got you laid?
No, but women have laughed a lot at me while we’re having sex.

What’s annoying you right now?
Umm... let me think. Probably boat people coming to this country... and I’m speaking specifically of Jessica Watson. Australian of the Year? Meh... she ought to be deported to Christmas Island.


The Jesters is on Movie Extra now, Tuesdays at 8.30pm

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